I was speaking to a woman recently who told me that since this year began, she has only spoken to her son once. The son lives in a different country and seems to be doing well. It is not that she does not want to call him, but that she cannot reach him. He calls her only when he needs something from her or wants her to run an errand for him. Does that sound familiar?  A child like this cannot know when the mother is happy or sad or simply desries to hear the sound of her child’s voice.

The bond of love that exists between a mother and her child is so strong that some mothers would literarily die or give up what they have for their children. What happens to make a child so disconnected from the mother that they do not care and the woman is left to feel like she is childless. Two things in my own estimation may be responsible for this. First, there may have been a disconnection from birth or somewhere in between or the child may have just grown up to be very selfish and self-centered.  The other thing is that there may have been a root of hurt that has not been dealt with.

I heard the story of a lady who lives here in America whose mother lives in an African country, who has not spoken to her mother for many years, and has promised never to. This lady came to America and made it into a good profession. She started making money and determined after a while that she was giving too much money to her mother. Her reason for this was that according to her, her own mother was using some supernatural powers to siphon money from her.  Other people started to mediate in the matter to bring peace between them but to date, she has remained adamant. In fact, anyone who tries to resolve the situation between them, no matter how close they have been to her becomes her enemy too. I heard that this lady is doing so well that money is never an issue. I questioned further only to find out that this lady, although prosperous has relationship issues in her own life. What with widowhood and disappointment in subsequent relationships, no wonder that trusting anyone, even her own mother is a big issue.

The way that some children are brought up sometimes will determine how their characters are formed. There have been situations where children have been showered with love from birth by both parents but later in life, they still choose to keep their parents at arm’s length. I am not talking today about mothers who meddle in their children’s affair for control. There is the story of a lady who got married and on the couple’s first visit to the wife’s parents, her father called the new husband aside and gave him a pack of condoms, saying that his daughter is not yet ready to have a baby since she is still in school. Why on earth did they get married! And shouldn’t that decision be between the young couple? The daughter agreed with her father. Yes, you guessed right. That relationship is on the rocks. I believe that when that lady realizes what her parents caused her in the future, some estrangement will take place at that time.  In other words, some of these situations are caused by parents. Mothers take a lot of blame because if you do not rise up to protect your child from a controlling father, he or she will turn against you when their eyes are opened to see the truth about their situation.

What is the role of a mother? Within the Ashanti tribe in Africa, the bond between mother and child is considered the keystone of all social relationships. The mother breast feeds her child for at least three years and practices abstinence from sex for the same period. Any woman who gives birth to another child within a year of the first one is referred to as a ‘prostitute.’ The mother is gentle, patient, cool, enduring and no demand from the child is too exaggerated to meet. Although she shrinks from inflicting punishment and never disowns her child, she requires both obedience and affectionate respect from the child. To show disrespect to a mother is equivalent to committing a sacrilege, (Diop, 71). Showing unconditional love really should be the standard.

Another definition of what the role of a mother is, is so well stated in these words; “An ideal mother is one who inculcates the best of values in her children. She is usually the mixture of the toughness of dynamite and softness of blossoms, sharpness of razor and the coolness of mountain streams, the calmness of still water and the purity of untrodden snow”  A mother cannot be all softness and no character. It will make children get away with so much that they feel that life is just a breeze. On the other hand, you cannot be so hard as to alienate your children. Check to see that you have the balance.  The Bible relates the story of Mary who was the channel through which our Lord Jesus Christ came to this earth and therefore is referred to as His mother. Mary played this role of motherhood to perfection beginning with the fact that she was a pure vessel. Throughout the advent of Jesus on this earth, she maintained her role while also respecting Him as her Lord. In the end also Jesus made provision for her by handing her over to one of the disciples for care taking after His departure.

Examine your relationship with your child. Has your child become the parent? When you make unrealistic demands on a child just because you breastfed him/her or put them through school, a child who does not have an understanding of unconditional love will shut down on you. There are mothers also who have disengaged from their own mothers because of one bitterness or the other and so the children, young or adults cannot even relate with their grandmothers. The root of bitterness grows, what then do we have? A dysfunctional society where the love of most have gone cold! Instead of playing the blame game, let each woman look into their relationships with their estranged children                                                       and take steps to make things right. If you as a mother have no communication with your mother, take that bold step this month because if you a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, you want to forgive her so that you can make heaven. One person that can pray for you consistently throughout her life is your mother.  Now there are definitely mothers like the one in the movie ‘Precious’ who looks the other way while her daughter is sexually molested by her own father. We will visit the case of such a mother some day.  Give your mother an I love you call today and you will be surprised at the tons of blessings you will receive from up there.

Grace Eledan is co-Pastor Leaders Church Intl and the founder of Women Aflame Intl., a friendship network, intercession ministry and charity organization mentoring and mobilizing women to be more productive in their spheres of influence. She can be reached on (718) 503-2580 or www.womenaflame.org You can also follow us on Face book.  Intercessory lines are open every Monday night from 9pm-10pm on (712) 432-0800 Access code 330528#.

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